This time of year was always the worst. The winters of Montana left much to be desired. At its worst, the days were short with the sun setting at 5pm and the temperatures persistantly below zero. We used to be glad when the wind stopped even though it was -10 degrees. It felt warm.
In all honesty, it was the most difficult time of my life. The Air Force Academy was the most challenging but there was always a light at the end of the tunnel and we were all sure it wasn't a train. In Montana, there was no light. It was perpetually darker the deeper into the tunnel we went. The job was stressful and infuriating. The city was depressed and aging. The music I listened to was increasingly angry and dark.
So, in the early part of 2010, I set out looking for something to help me out of my spiral. It had always been a dream of mine to fly and, in the depth of the most depressing time of my life, I looked for something to help me climb out of it. Coincidently enough, it was an airplane that brought me out of my deep funk. I devoted every minute of my free time to flying and studying. Once I had my private license, I spent time just going up and flying around Montana. My friends and I would take short day trips to places that once required a weekend.
It wasn't unheard of for my roommates to be able to tell immediately when I'd spent the afternoon flying. "You're in a good mood. I take it you flew today," they would comment. It was true. Days I flew were my happiest days in Montana. This played a huge role into my eventual career push to aviation.
Once I left Montana, I devoted my life to flying through total immersion. I left my worldy possessions in Ohio and took only those things that would fit in my car to Florida. I lived and breathed flying for 4 months. If I wasn't at the airport flying, I was sitting in a Starbucks studying. I'd take a day off to spend time with my family, but I was on a mission and there wasn't anything getting in my way.
Shortly after finishing training, I moved again to get more experience. The more I flew, the faster I would reach the magic number needed to get hired by an airline. I continued to spend every waking moment thinking about aviation. It wasn't unheard of to take only 3 days off each month. The days I did have off, I spent studying for my Airline Transport Pilot certificate, making resumes, or researching potential employers. This was my dream and there wasn't a force in this world that would take this away from me.
It took only two years in Florida to get to where I'm at now. I once again packed my car and headed to another new city further from the known and deeper into the unknown. I was so close to my dream that I could taste it. I went back to the familiar routine at the local Starbucks where I spent on average 4 hours each night. It wasn't unheard of for me to spend 6 to 7 hours on weekends in coffee shops and studying. As you all know, I would go on to finish training and pass my check ride.
It is now that my life has come to a grinding halt. Now that training has finished, I find myself lost in life. For the past 4 years, I've devoted my life to aviation because it made me happy. Today is no different. Each day I take the runway and command my engines to roar to life, I smile inside as we accelerate down the two mile long concrete pad. It is just as exciting as it was when I left the ground in central Montana. Unfortunately, my ability to push forward has stopped. I've reached a fixed timeline where begging for work would be futile. I'm forced to take 11-13 days off each month, nearly trippling my days off from the past 3 years.
After devoting my life to this dream, I now live it. On my days off, however, I feel aimless. I no longer need to use it as an escape from my depressing Montana life. I no longer need to immerse myself in it to accelerate my journey to the end. I'm at the end. I've finished the race. There's one more big hurdle to clear before I'm completely satisfied with who I've become but for the most part I've entered stasis. What do I do now? As I look in the mirror each morning during my mandated 12 days off, I wonder who I am. I've turned my life-saving hobby into an incredible career. They say if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. I have found this to be true, but what about the days you don't work? No one ever talks about what you do once you've reached your goal. I put my head down to charge to the finish line. I stand here, at the end, victorious. Unfortunately, a lot has changed in 4 years and I don't know where I am. Even worse, I don't know where to go from here.
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