It is a great fall day in the wonderful state of Missouri. As we turn the corner into November to round out 2014, I've decided to finally give you guys the FAQ section I promised this summer. It is a time when the "amateur" travelers descend upon the nation's airports and completely forget the it isn't acceptable to pack swords and fireworks in their carry-on luggage. If you are traveling for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I highly recommend getting there early; not to avoid a missed flight but primarily for the entertainment. Feeling blue? You might just catch that guy who managed to pack 65 pounds of clothes for a 4 day weekend and enjoy as he adds layer after layer and stuffs every pocket in an attempt to save $100. If only you could wear two pairs of shoes at once.
I've compiled a list of questions from you and from my experiences. Sit back and enjoy!
"Excuse me, where/why is....?"
Whenever I find myself walking through an airport, I will most undoubtedly get asked a derivation of this question. "Where is my flight? Where is this gate? Why doesn't my boarding card have a gate on it? Where is the smoking lounge? Where is the Chipotle?" I can't help but scratch my head at these native english speakers. For those that haven't been in an airport for awhile, I can assure you that the signage has gotten less confusing and more clear. If you take one minute and look to the ceiling, there are pictures and emoji-like characters giving you instructions on your every want and needs. Need to know a gate? There are flat screen TVs every 20 yards that give you that information. In fact, when you ask me, I'm going to walk over to those TVs to find that information. "But, I thought you might know more than that, like if it was delayed or not."
I will be as helpful as I can and I always am. Just keep in mind, even if this isn't my first time through the airport, we usually park at the same gates in the same area. Please don't scoff at me when I tell you I don't know where the smoking lounge is. If I don't smoke, why on earth would I know where to light up in Houston, Texas? Also, there is one other thing to keep in mind. The people who have the "big picture" of the airline operation don't work at the airport. They work in an office building, most likely across the country. So, when you ask me why your airplane is delayed and I say, I don't know, I honestly don't. I'm not lying. "Well, you're a pilot, why don't you know?" Even though this is a United or a United Express flight, I do not work for that company. I can't call up and ask any operationally related questions. I'm a pilot for a subcontractor airline that, like all regional jet operators, is permitted to paint United colors on its airplanes. I'm sorry sir, I just don't know.
Can you call ahead to hold my airplane?
The easy answer to this is "no." I wish I could say yes. The fact is, we have no easy way to get ahold of anyone who has that power. The people who control whether an airplane is late or not can only be contacted by a gate agent or an operations controller. The operations controller is in charge of assigning gates and ensuring airplanes are operationally ready for flight. When it's busy, they won't be able to make the request. In Chicago, they are always busy. Additionally, because of many complaints to the Department of Transportation regarding delays, airlines are now under very strict performance metrics. If too many flights are delayed, even if it's for connecting passengers, they could receive hefty fines from the government.
Do pilots score a lot of stewardesses? - Jason Klein
First of all, Jason, I think they get pretty antsy when you call them stewardesses. I had a Captain on a trip call back and kept saying, "oh stewardess." It made me cringe all over. Second, I personally would highly recommend against any dipping into that pool. There are so many horror stories of mid-trip break downs to mid-night all-night extravaganzas. If you want to have a private relationship, doing it at work isn't the best place to do it. I live by the mantra, "protect the check." If there is ever a nasty falling out and it comes down to a "he-said/she-said," we are both going to lose. She might only be sacrificing her reputation or a month of training. I have years of training and tens of thousands of dollars at risk. So, the only stick you should be servicing on your trip is the one that makes the airplane go up and down.
If I bought drinks for everybody but the pilots and had that 737 rocking like a G6, would you be pissed? -Angela Durbin
Excellent question! First of all, I don't fly a 737. I'd love to someday, but alas, I'm stuck in a much tinier tube. If you do decide to buy a few rounds for my airplane, you might be able to get away with a mere $500 tab. Don't think about cracking open your Duty-Free bottle of liquor either. It is against Federal Law to consume alcoholic beverages brought onto an airplane. Thinking about pre-gaming at the airport bar? Any passenger appearing to be intoxicated will be denied boarding. You thought playing cat-herder at the local bar is difficult? Imagine trying to safely evacuate the drunk passengers from a burning airplane. Even worse, what if your drunk passenger is a rowdy drunk? You can't exactly quickly 'bounce' him out of your airplane at 35,000 feet.
As far as how I would feel about it, I would say that I would be a little unhappy. An airplane is like a 3D teeter-totter balancing around a single point near center of the wing called the "center of gravity." When a passenger gets up to go to the bathroom, believe it or not, it does have a very tiny but noticeable affect on the performance of the airplane. If you turn the back-end of my ride into Club Jetplane, masses of people moving and jumping and rocking might have undesirable performance characteristics. Plus, when the inevitable brawl takes place, you might end up spending the night in the Omaha, Nebraska drunk tank. Have fun getting off that no-fly list. So, do yourself a favor. If you plan on getting hammered, turn on Hot Tub Time Machine and enjoy that ride.
If the plane was really in trouble, would the stewardesses faces show it? -Megan Mellquist
I think that all really depends on the flight attendant. If the airplane were in serious trouble, the tone conveyed by the pilot would really set the tone for the flight attendant. Whenever I do have to ride in the back, I do find it humorous when we hit turbulence and the entire airplane either leans into the aisle to look at the flight attendant or to look at me. I have to make a concerted effort every time not to fake a panicked expression.
For those of you that are flying and looking for the flight attendant to determine if you will live, from a pilot's perspective, even in the most serious of circumstances, you will be just fine. Did your oxygen masks drop? Don't panic. A cabin depressurization, while not to be taken lightly, is not a life or death emergency. Recently, a Southwest Airlines flight experienced a loss of cabin pressure in flight and CNN couldn't be faster to convey the panic on the airplane. The pilot made an announcement to the flight attendants that they were "going down." Perhaps a very poor choice of words, he really meant to say that they were controllably yet rapidly descending to 10,000 feet where the air contained enough breathable oxygen to sustain life. From a passenger's perspective, the 'emergency descent' as we call it wouldn't feel much different than a normal descent once the maneuver was initiated and would be over in no more than 3-4 minutes.
To be completely honest, the only true life or death emergency is a fire that can't be put out. A dual engine failure, like the famous "Miracle on the Hudson" would be another but is so incredibly improbable that it vaguely even worth mentioning. The only other comparable failure to driving would be if your engine, power steering, and brakes all sudden and for no reason all failed while driving down a winding, icy, mountain pass. Is anyone here worried about that? No? That's what I thought.
Even if you have an engine failure right as the wheels leave the ground, passenger jet aircraft are certified to climb to a safe altitude and return for a normal landing. Ever since I started flying a two-engined aircraft years ago, landing with a single-engine has been practiced routinely. Again, while it is not something we take lightly, it is also not something that you need to lose any sleep over.
I've decided to make this a two part blog entry. The next few answers to your questions got a little verbose. If you read this and think, hey, I have a question! Feel free to add it in the comments and I'll add it to part two (or three if I get enough). Thanks for all the great questions!
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